Stand-up Comedy Quotes

Dick Gregory - "I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just....." Quote

2010-08-09T00:24:00.001-07:00

"I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man."

Dick Gregory - "Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:23:00.001-07:00

Dick Gregory - "And we love to dance, especially that....." Quote

2010-08-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

"And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede."

Howie Mandel - "I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the....." Quote

2010-08-09T00:17:00.000-07:00

"I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs."

Howie Mandel - "I am beloved by millions. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

Howie Mandel - "Everything runs its course. We had told a....." Quote

2010-08-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

"Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell."

Norm MacDonald - "I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

Norm MacDonald - "I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

Drew Carey - "Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:07:00.000-07:00

Drew Carey - "Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's....." Quote

2010-08-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

"Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face."

Drew Carey - "But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy. " Quote

2010-08-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

Drew Carey - ""As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to....." Quote

2010-08-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

"As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything."

David Cross - "I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

David Cross - "Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

David Cross - "As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a....." Quote

2010-08-08T23:51:00.002-07:00

"As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy."

Jay Mohr - "I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:51:00.001-07:00

Jay Mohr - "I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

Jay Mohr - "Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:43:00.000-07:00

Paula Poundstone - "I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Paula Poundstone - "I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

Paula Poundstone - "Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

Kevin James - "From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up. " Quote

2010-08-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Andrew Dice Clay - “Eleanor and I were fighting about her not knowing how to cook, and Freddy was sitting there watching us go at it,” Quote

2010-08-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

Andrew Dice Clay - “There was a coolness about him,....."

2010-08-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

“There was a coolness about him, ... He used to wear these sunglasses and these shirts that had pictures of cigars on them. He was the Tony Soprano of Mexicans.”

Andrew Dice Clay - “I don't drink to get happy or to forget the....." Quote

2010-08-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

“I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddddave... Kkkkkkikikill your papapapapaparents!!”

Joey Bishop - "Today you can go to a gas station and find the....." Quote

2010-08-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."

George Carlin - "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired." Quote

2010-08-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade." Quote

2010-08-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile." Quote

2010-08-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - " I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." Quote

2010-08-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. " Quote

2010-08-05T01:09:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. " Quote

2010-08-05T01:05:00.000-07:00

Janeane Garofalo - "I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of....." Quote

2010-08-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."

Janeane Garofalo - "I actually was class clown, but I don't....." Quote

2010-08-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest."

Janeane Garofalo - "I can do most anything and not have a problem with....." Quote

2010-08-05T00:58:00.000-07:00

"I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun."

Janeane Garofalo - "When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was....." Quote

2010-08-05T00:47:00.000-07:00

"When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement."

Robin Williams - "Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! " Quote

2010-08-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

Robin Williams - "Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason. " Quote

2010-08-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

Robin Williams - "Cricket is basically baseball on valium." Quote

2010-08-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

Robin Williams - "Comedy is acting out optimism. " Quote

2010-08-05T00:40:00.002-07:00

Ricky Gervais - “It's the one thing I actively don't like: just being recognized.” Quote

2010-08-05T00:40:00.001-07:00

Ricky Gervais - “Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.” Quote

2010-08-05T00:39:00.001-07:00

Ricky Gervais - “Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was....." Quote

2010-08-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

“Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!”

Ricky Gervais - “People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.” Quote

2010-08-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

David Brenner - “You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.” Quote

2010-08-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

David Brenner - “We have no doubt that Hillary Clinton will raise $50 million-plus, if she hasn't already,” Quote

2010-08-05T00:33:00.000-07:00

David Brenner - “Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.” Quote

2010-08-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr." Quote

2010-08-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - # "Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter." Quote

2010-08-05T00:28:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to." Quote

2010-08-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

Emo Philips - "I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said....." Quotes

2010-08-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips - "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. " Quote

2010-08-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

Emo Philips - "He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

Emo Philips - "England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day ....." Quote

2010-08-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield - "I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." Quote

2010-08-01T23:49:00.001-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." Quote

2010-08-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - " I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. " Quotes

2010-08-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - "Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - " Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' " Quote

2010-08-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope - "I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! " Quote

2010-08-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope - "I have to much money invested in sweaters." Quote

2010-08-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope - "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform....." Quote

2010-08-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bob Hope - "I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. " Quote

2010-08-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld - "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." " Quote

2010-08-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld - "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." Quote

2010-08-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld - "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving." Quote

2010-08-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud....." Quote

2010-08-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

George Carlin - "Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason." Quote

2010-08-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my....." Quote

2010-08-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

"So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family."

George Carlin - "Have you noticed that most of the women who are....." Quote

2010-08-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."

Rodney Dangerfield - "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - " I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." Quote

2010-07-30T00:13:00.000-07:00

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Woody Allen - "Eighty percent of success is showing up. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Woody Allen - "Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

Woody Allen - "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts....." Quote

2010-07-30T00:08:00.002-07:00

"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

Woody Allen - "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:08:00.001-07:00

Steven Wright - "Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

Steven Wright - "Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. " Quote

2010-07-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

Steven Wright - "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" Quote

2010-07-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

Steven Wright - "Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

2010-07-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

Steven Wright - "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. " Quote

2010-07-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! " Quote

2010-07-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg - "Dogs are forever in the push up postion." Quote

2010-07-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

Mich Hedberg - "Do you think I am standing here, making this up as....." Quote

2010-07-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

Mitch Hedberg - "Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. " Quote

2010-07-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld - "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because....." Quote

2010-07-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

Jerry Seinfeld - "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." Quote

2010-07-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld - "Now they show you how detergents take out,,,,," Quote

2010-07-29T23:39:00.001-07:00

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

Jerry Seinfeld - "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see ,,,,," Quote

2010-07-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

Bob Hope - "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." Quote

2010-07-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope - "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. " Quote

2010-07-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope - "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. " Quote

2010-07-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood." Quote

2010-07-29T23:16:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook." Quote

2010-07-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

George Carlin - "I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos." Quote

2010-07-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield - "At twenty a man is full of fight and......." Quote

2010-07-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't