Dick Gregory - "I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just....." Quote

"I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man."

Dick Gregory - "Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. " Quote

Dick Gregory - "And we love to dance, especially that....." Quote

"And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede."

Howie Mandel - "I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the....." Quote

"I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs."

Howie Mandel - "I am beloved by millions. " Quote

Howie Mandel - "Everything runs its course. We had told a....." Quote

"Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell."

Norm MacDonald - "I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals. " Quote

Norm MacDonald - "I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser. " Quote

Drew Carey - "Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures. " Quote

Drew Carey - "Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's....." Quote

"Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face."

Drew Carey - "But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy. " Quote

Drew Carey - ""As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to....." Quote

"As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything."

David Cross - "I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically. " Quote

David Cross - "Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat. " Quote

David Cross - "As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a....." Quote

"As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy."

Jay Mohr - "I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field. " Quote

Jay Mohr - "I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. " Quote

Jay Mohr - "Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing. " Quote

Paula Poundstone - "I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. " Quote

Paula Poundstone - "I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. " Quote

Paula Poundstone - "Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. " Quote

Kevin James - "From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up. " Quote

Andrew Dice Clay - “Eleanor and I were fighting about her not knowing how to cook, and Freddy was sitting there watching us go at it,” Quote

Andrew Dice Clay - “There was a coolness about him,....."

“There was a coolness about him, ... He used to wear these sunglasses and these shirts that had pictures of cigars on them. He was the Tony Soprano of Mexicans.”

Andrew Dice Clay - “I don't drink to get happy or to forget the....." Quote

“I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddddave... Kkkkkkikikill your papapapapaparents!!”

Joey Bishop - "Today you can go to a gas station and find the....." Quote

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."

George Carlin - "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired." Quote

George Carlin - "I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade." Quote

George Carlin - "God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - " I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. " Quote

Janeane Garofalo - "I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of....." Quote

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."

Janeane Garofalo - "I actually was class clown, but I don't....." Quote

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest."

Janeane Garofalo - "I can do most anything and not have a problem with....." Quote

"I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun."

Janeane Garofalo - "When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was....." Quote

"When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement."

Robin Williams - "Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! " Quote

Robin Williams - "Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason. " Quote

Robin Williams - "Cricket is basically baseball on valium." Quote

Robin Williams - "Comedy is acting out optimism. " Quote

Ricky Gervais - “It's the one thing I actively don't like: just being recognized.” Quote

Ricky Gervais - “Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.” Quote

Ricky Gervais - “Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was....." Quote

“Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!”

Ricky Gervais - “People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.” Quote

David Brenner - “You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.” Quote

David Brenner - “We have no doubt that Hillary Clinton will raise $50 million-plus, if she hasn't already,” Quote

David Brenner - “Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.” Quote

George Carlin - "Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr." Quote

George Carlin - # "Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter." Quote

George Carlin - "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to." Quote

Emo Philips - "I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said....." Quotes

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips - "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. " Quote

Emo Philips - "He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. " Quote

Emo Philips - "England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day ....." Quote

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield - "I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - " I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. " Quotes

Mitch Hedberg - "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - " Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' " Quote

Bob Hope - "I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! " Quote

Bob Hope - "I have to much money invested in sweaters." Quote

Bob Hope - "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform....." Quote

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bob Hope - "I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving." Quote

George Carlin - "Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud....." Quote

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

George Carlin - "Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason." Quote

George Carlin - "So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my....." Quote

"So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family."

George Carlin - "Have you noticed that most of the women who are....." Quote

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."

Rodney Dangerfield - "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - " I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." Quote

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Woody Allen - "Eighty percent of success is showing up. " Quote

Woody Allen - "Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. " Quote

Woody Allen - "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts....." Quote

"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

Woody Allen - "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" Quote

Steven Wright - "Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

Steven Wright - "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Dogs are forever in the push up postion." Quote

Mich Hedberg - "Do you think I am standing here, making this up as....." Quote

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

Mitch Hedberg - "Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because....." Quote

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

Jerry Seinfeld - "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Now they show you how detergents take out,,,,," Quote

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

Jerry Seinfeld - "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see ,,,,," Quote

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

Bob Hope - "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." Quote

Bob Hope - "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. " Quote

Bob Hope - "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. " Quote

George Carlin - "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood." Quote

George Carlin - "I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook." Quote

George Carlin - "I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "At twenty a man is full of fight and......." Quote

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't

Rodney Dangerfield - " Acting deals with very delicate......." Quote

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Rodney Dangerfield - "A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home." Quote

Emo Philips - "At my lemonade stand I used to give......." Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips - "Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist." Quote

Emo Philips - "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Quote

Steven Wright - "Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Babies don't need a vacation, but..........." Quote

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright - "At one point he decided enough was enough." Quote

Steven Wright - "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "An escalator can never break:........"Quote

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Mitch Hedberg - All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." Quote

Robin Williams - "Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. " Quote

Robin Williams - "Carpe per diem - seize the check." Quote

Robin Williams - "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "What is a date really....." Quote

"What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked."

Jerry Seinfeld - "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. " Quote

George Carlin - "Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it." Quote

George Carlin - "When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat." Quote

George Carlin - "I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." Quote

Bob Hope - "Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. " Quote

Bob Hope - "A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? " Quote

Bob Hope - "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. " Quote

Bob Hope - "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." Quote

Jack Benny - "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " Quote

Jack Benny - "Gags die, humor doesn't." Quote

Jack Benny - "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Quote

Demetri Martin - "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and..." Quote

“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

Demetri Martin - "I think that when you get dressed in the morning....." Quote

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

Demetri Martin - "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude." Quote

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”

Jerry Seinfeld - "I am so busy doing nothing..." Quote

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

Jerry Seinfeld - "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Quote

George Carlin - "I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions." Quote

George Carlin - "Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?" Quote

George Carlin - "Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?" Quote

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."- Kevin James Quote

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."- Kevin James Quote

"I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit."- Kevin James Quote

"Sure, I look like a white man. But my heart is as black as anyone's here."- George C. Wallace Quote

"Since my accident I am a little more mindful of the suffering of other people."- George C. Wallace Quote

"Segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever!"- George C. Wallace Quote

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."-George Carlin Quote

"You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."-George Carlin Quote

"I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"Everybody has their own way of tapping into their realness."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."- Dana Carvey Quote

"I'm the lamest lame duck there could be."- George C. Wallace Quote

"After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must say I have climbed my last political mountain."- George C. Wallace Quote

"If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party."- George Carlin Quote

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."- George Carlin Quote

"When you`re constantly looking for things from other people, you`re not looking within yourself."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I`m the only actress in Hollywood who didn`t pay to have these lips."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand"-Jimmy Carr Quote

"I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead"- Jimmy Carr Quote

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."- Woody Allen Quote

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "- Woody Allen Quote

“Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.”- Ricky Gervais Quote

“I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper”- David Brenner Quote

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."- George Carlin Quote

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."- Bob Monkhouse Quote

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."- Henny Youngman Quote

“People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.”- Ricky Gervais Quote

“When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine”-David Brenner Quote

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions." George Carlin Quote

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."-Bob Monkhouse Quote

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."- Henny Youngman Quote

"As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is."-George Carlin Quote

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me."-Janeane Garofalo Quote

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft."-George Carlin Quote"

"We all think we're going to get out of debt."-Louie Anderson Quote

"Two solipsists walk into a bar, and one says to the other.."-Bill Bailey Quote

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."-George Carlin Quote

" If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he'll ever lay down in front of."-George C. Wallace Quote

"Since my accident I am a little more mindful of the suffering of other people."- George C. Wallace Quote

"My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays."- Joey Bishop Quote

"Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."- Ray Romano Quote

"I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write."- Colin Quinn Quote

"We need to have stronger zoning codes and building codes, and we need to enforce them. "- Bill Bailey Quote

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."-George Carlin Quote

"They're building a bridge over the Potomac for all the white liberals fleeing to Virginia." George C. Wallace Quote

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that. Louie Anderson Quote

"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50." Dana Carvey Quote

"I really wasn't a class clown." Kevin James Quote

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!" George Carlin Quote

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that".George Carlin Quote

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"George Carlin Quote

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first." Janeane Garofalo Quote

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that." Louie Anderson Quote

"I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed." Louie Anderson Quote

"I started a big part of my career in Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head." George C. Wallace Quote

"I'm the lamest lame duck there could be". George C. Wallace Quote

"After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must say I have climbed my last political mountain." George C. Wallace Quote

"To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel." David Alan Grier Quote

"Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out". David Alan Grier Quote

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille." - Demetri Martin Quote

"I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic." - Richard Pryor Quote

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?" - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but i used to too" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." - Emo Phillips Quote

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright Quote

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." - Jay Leno Quote

"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright Quote

"The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me." - Adam Ferrara Quote

"If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?" - George Carlin Quote

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?" - George Carlin Quote

"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder." - Demetri Martin Quote

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.” - Emo Phillips Quote

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to." - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down." - Tim Vine Quote

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days." - Robin Williams Quote

"If we're all God's children - what's so special about Jesus?" - Jimmy Carr Quote

"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there." - Billy Connolly Quote

"Where there's a will - there's a relative!" - Ricky Gervais Quote

"Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door." - Bill Bailey Quote

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen Quote

"People don't realize that the future is just now, but later." - Russell Brand Quote

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?" - George Carlin Quote

"I never told a joke in my life." - Andy Kaufman Quote

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?" - Bob Monkhouse Quote

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel Quote

"I hated my boss. He asked, 'Why are you two hours late?' I said, 'I fell downstairs.' He said, 'That doesn't take two hours.' " - Johnny Carson Quote

"I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance." - Arj Barker Quote

"I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away." - Demetri Martin Quote

"You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before." - Zach Galifianakis Quote

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." - Groucho Marx Quote

"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did." - Henny Youngman Quote

"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

"Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man." - Doug Benson Quo

"Group sex? Are you kidding? I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

"Men are only as loyal as their options." - Bill Maher Quotes

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?" - Roseanne Barr Quote

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope Quote

"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you'll have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin

"People say to me, 'You're not feminine.' Well, they can just suck my dick." - Roseanne Barr

"Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?" - Rich Hall

"My dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade." - Jack Handey