"They're building a bridge over the Potomac for all the white liberals fleeing to Virginia." George C. Wallace Quote

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that. Louie Anderson Quote

"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50." Dana Carvey Quote

"I really wasn't a class clown." Kevin James Quote

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!" George Carlin Quote

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that".George Carlin Quote

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"George Carlin Quote

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first." Janeane Garofalo Quote

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that." Louie Anderson Quote

"I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed." Louie Anderson Quote

"I started a big part of my career in Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head." George C. Wallace Quote

"I'm the lamest lame duck there could be". George C. Wallace Quote

"After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must say I have climbed my last political mountain." George C. Wallace Quote

"To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel." David Alan Grier Quote

"Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out". David Alan Grier Quote

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille." - Demetri Martin Quote

"I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic." - Richard Pryor Quote

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?" - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but i used to too" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." - Emo Phillips Quote

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright Quote

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." - Jay Leno Quote

"What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright Quote

"The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me." - Adam Ferrara Quote

"If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?" - George Carlin Quote

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?" - George Carlin Quote

"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder." - Demetri Martin Quote

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.” - Emo Phillips Quote

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to." - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down." - Tim Vine Quote

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days." - Robin Williams Quote

"If we're all God's children - what's so special about Jesus?" - Jimmy Carr Quote

"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there." - Billy Connolly Quote

"Where there's a will - there's a relative!" - Ricky Gervais Quote

"Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door." - Bill Bailey Quote

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen Quote

"People don't realize that the future is just now, but later." - Russell Brand Quote

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?" - George Carlin Quote

"I never told a joke in my life." - Andy Kaufman Quote

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?" - Bob Monkhouse Quote

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel Quote

"I hated my boss. He asked, 'Why are you two hours late?' I said, 'I fell downstairs.' He said, 'That doesn't take two hours.' " - Johnny Carson Quote

"I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance." - Arj Barker Quote

"I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away." - Demetri Martin Quote

"You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before." - Zach Galifianakis Quote

"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." - Groucho Marx Quote

"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did." - Henny Youngman Quote

"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

"Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man." - Doug Benson Quo

"Group sex? Are you kidding? I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury." - Rodney Dangerfield Quote

"Men are only as loyal as their options." - Bill Maher Quotes

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?" - Roseanne Barr Quote

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope Quote

"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you'll have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin

"People say to me, 'You're not feminine.' Well, they can just suck my dick." - Roseanne Barr

"Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?" - Rich Hall

"My dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade." - Jack Handey