Rodney Dangerfield - "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - " I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." Quote

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Woody Allen - "Eighty percent of success is showing up. " Quote

Woody Allen - "Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. " Quote

Woody Allen - "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts....." Quote

"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

Woody Allen - "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" Quote

Steven Wright - "Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

Steven Wright - "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Dogs are forever in the push up postion." Quote

Mich Hedberg - "Do you think I am standing here, making this up as....." Quote

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

Mitch Hedberg - "Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because....." Quote

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

Jerry Seinfeld - "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Now they show you how detergents take out,,,,," Quote

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

Jerry Seinfeld - "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see ,,,,," Quote

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

Bob Hope - "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." Quote

Bob Hope - "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. " Quote

Bob Hope - "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. " Quote

George Carlin - "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood." Quote

George Carlin - "I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook." Quote

George Carlin - "I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "At twenty a man is full of fight and......." Quote

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't

Rodney Dangerfield - " Acting deals with very delicate......." Quote

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Rodney Dangerfield - "A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home." Quote

Emo Philips - "At my lemonade stand I used to give......." Quote

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips - "Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist." Quote

Emo Philips - "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Quote

Steven Wright - "Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. " Quote

Steven Wright - "Babies don't need a vacation, but..........." Quote

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright - "At one point he decided enough was enough." Quote

Steven Wright - "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "An escalator can never break:........"Quote

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Mitch Hedberg - All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer." Quote

Robin Williams - "Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. " Quote

Robin Williams - "Carpe per diem - seize the check." Quote

Robin Williams - "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "What is a date really....." Quote

"What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked."

Jerry Seinfeld - "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. " Quote

George Carlin - "Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it." Quote

George Carlin - "When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat." Quote

George Carlin - "I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." Quote

Bob Hope - "Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. " Quote

Bob Hope - "A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? " Quote

Bob Hope - "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. " Quote

Bob Hope - "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." Quote

Jack Benny - "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. " Quote

Jack Benny - "Gags die, humor doesn't." Quote

Jack Benny - "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Quote

Demetri Martin - "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and..." Quote

“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

Demetri Martin - "I think that when you get dressed in the morning....." Quote

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”

Demetri Martin - "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude." Quote

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”

Jerry Seinfeld - "I am so busy doing nothing..." Quote

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

Jerry Seinfeld - "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Quote

George Carlin - "I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions." Quote

George Carlin - "Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?" Quote

George Carlin - "Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?" Quote

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."- Kevin James Quote

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."- Kevin James Quote

"I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit."- Kevin James Quote

"Sure, I look like a white man. But my heart is as black as anyone's here."- George C. Wallace Quote

"Since my accident I am a little more mindful of the suffering of other people."- George C. Wallace Quote

"Segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever!"- George C. Wallace Quote

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."-George Carlin Quote

"You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick."-George Carlin Quote

"I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"Everybody has their own way of tapping into their realness."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."- Dana Carvey Quote

"I'm the lamest lame duck there could be."- George C. Wallace Quote

"After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must say I have climbed my last political mountain."- George C. Wallace Quote

"If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party."- George Carlin Quote

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."- George Carlin Quote

"When you`re constantly looking for things from other people, you`re not looking within yourself."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I`m the only actress in Hollywood who didn`t pay to have these lips."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand"-Jimmy Carr Quote

"I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead"- Jimmy Carr Quote

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."- Woody Allen Quote

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "- Woody Allen Quote

“Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.”- Ricky Gervais Quote

“I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper”- David Brenner Quote

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."- George Carlin Quote

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."- Bob Monkhouse Quote

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."- Henny Youngman Quote

“People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.”- Ricky Gervais Quote

“When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine”-David Brenner Quote

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions." George Carlin Quote

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."-Bob Monkhouse Quote

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."- Henny Youngman Quote

"As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is."-George Carlin Quote

"When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me."-Janeane Garofalo Quote

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft."-George Carlin Quote"

"We all think we're going to get out of debt."-Louie Anderson Quote

"Two solipsists walk into a bar, and one says to the other.."-Bill Bailey Quote

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."-George Carlin Quote

" If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he'll ever lay down in front of."-George C. Wallace Quote

"Since my accident I am a little more mindful of the suffering of other people."- George C. Wallace Quote

"My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays."- Joey Bishop Quote

"Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty."- Sandra Bernhard Quote

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."- Ray Romano Quote

"I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write."- Colin Quinn Quote

"We need to have stronger zoning codes and building codes, and we need to enforce them. "- Bill Bailey Quote

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."-George Carlin Quote