Ricky Gervais - “People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.” Quote

David Brenner - “You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.” Quote

David Brenner - “We have no doubt that Hillary Clinton will raise $50 million-plus, if she hasn't already,” Quote

David Brenner - “Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.” Quote

George Carlin - "Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr." Quote

George Carlin - # "Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter." Quote

George Carlin - "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to." Quote

Emo Philips - "I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said....." Quotes

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips - "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. " Quote

Emo Philips - "He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. " Quote

Emo Philips - "England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. " Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day ....." Quote

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield - "I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." Quote

Rodney Dangerfield - "I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." Quote

Mitch Hedberg - " I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. " Quotes

Mitch Hedberg - "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - "Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. " Quote

Mitch Hedberg - " Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' " Quote

Bob Hope - "I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! " Quote

Bob Hope - "I have to much money invested in sweaters." Quote

Bob Hope - "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform....." Quote

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Bob Hope - "I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." " Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." Quote

Jerry Seinfeld - "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving." Quote

George Carlin - "Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud....." Quote

"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

George Carlin - "Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason." Quote

George Carlin - "So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my....." Quote

"So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family."

George Carlin - "Have you noticed that most of the women who are....." Quote

"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."