"They're building a bridge over the Potomac for all the white liberals fleeing to Virginia." George C. Wallace Quote

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that. Louie Anderson Quote

"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50." Dana Carvey Quote

"I really wasn't a class clown." Kevin James Quote

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!" George Carlin Quote

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that".George Carlin Quote

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!"George Carlin Quote

"To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first." Janeane Garofalo Quote

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?" Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that." Louie Anderson Quote

"I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed." Louie Anderson Quote

"I started a big part of my career in Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas." Louie Anderson Quote

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head." George C. Wallace Quote

"I'm the lamest lame duck there could be". George C. Wallace Quote

"After much prayerful consideration, I feel that I must say I have climbed my last political mountain." George C. Wallace Quote

"To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel." David Alan Grier Quote

"Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out". David Alan Grier Quote

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal." Janeane Garofalo Quote

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille." - Demetri Martin Quote

"I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic." - Richard Pryor Quote

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?" - Jerry Seinfeld Quote

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but i used to too" - Mitch Hedberg Quote

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." - Emo Phillips Quote

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." - Steven Wright Quote

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." - Jay Leno Quote